Thursday, November 19, 2009

journal entry

11/19/9th12:38pMarty i feel better today than last week. they tell me it is entirely random, nausea, fatigue, pain. so this may be the eye of the storm, calm, more rough times ahead. let me enjoy it while i got it. and meantime just try and see—negotiate, as i find my self saying—to see if i can make it last.
right now i want to at long last make an entry in my blog. let this be it. and in it let me say for those crazy enough to want, there is available the whole text of this: accumulating, 30 minutes each day, of my journaling after each treatment—a nother famous winifred idea. NRR [not required reading] but you can ask to be on thuh mailing list if you want. all thuh gore (mostly mental). plus a few laughs i would guess—i do seem to still be marty.
this is page 14. this also happens to be treatment 14, pure coincidence, of 25. so yesterday was the hump of all humps day and i made it, the middle treatment number 13. so may be this is in truth the eye of the storm. right squack in the middle. (they’re telling me i misspelled squack. okay. but they offer no reasonable alternative. it’s not a word? oh come on.) (you see i’m feeling better.)
i have honestly not made an entry because i have not felt up to it for long enough to do so. yup. that’s 2 and a half weeks. huge fatigue is a constant (except for a moment this morning! i felt back to my old self for the first time since before surgery probly somewhere mid-August.) but the worst dog (bad dog!) is the mild, but insidious nausea, or i should say more properly and fully not-so-mild plain upset stomach. right in thuh middle, the hara. it kills everything. kills sleep AND escalates fatigue, kills appetite, kills thirst even—and i’m sposed to be hyper hydrating and hyper callorieating to counter the effects of radiation on muh body!—kills plain ole will, kills any motivation to do anything but try to sleep and kills the ability to do that. there’s pain they say comin, bad enuf for opioids, which i intend to avoid.
look. when i’m feeling sick i am a big baby. and i’ve been just a great big baby for 2 and a half weeks. 2 and a half more to go.
see why i didn’t make an entry? okay. i feel nice right now so i thought i should check in. course i had to rest my head on the table in thuh cafeteria for about 2 hours after i ate all that i could of my early lunch. but it felt good even doin that. (until they kept callin code blue code 1999 over and over and over and over in everybody’s ear on thuh intercom for some poor body else, also in thuh cafeteria.) left a note on thuh tray sayin “had to leave suddenly / please leave here / i’ll be back to finish it / thank you.” hope they do. pumpkin pie plus tapioca pudding i bought just for the dab more of whipped cream.
i pick up jose’ at thuh airport tonite if i feel up to it. need to take a nap at win’s before i do. then he joins me to muh friday 8:30am treatment (i’ll let im stand in), my last one in thuh mornin. an saturday, again if i feel up to it, there’s a huge gathering of synchronous/resonant writers proposed. plus the whole family of 4 Bellyham Carters (who i know from Saint Croix)’ve invited me ta brunch. hope i can do all this, folks.
30 minutes. 1:08pm love. marty do i sound alive?