Sunday, October 17, 2010

wow i can space

i continue to be okay so far as i can tell. but continue to be fatigued and continue to be overweighed with things i've put off these past 2 years until i "could". here's 2 pomes—they are to you. there's lots more to say but this for now. love to love. over. and not yet out.

breach rebirth

as i bundle up to thuh cool a thuh nite in this favorite hour of closeness to Oh Wordless One, i think of all the people i've been absent to in my limited capacities and amplified efforts with terminal tease and treatments within our cultural altar frame of western medicine. and wonder what i might say to them. now that i am allowed. allow my self. recuperated enough to tease back at lingering fatigue. feeling my way through the layered pile, like quilts, of lists of things to do when i again "can". one of these quilts, layers of lists, if not all of them, if not the entire! is being with. keeping in touch. tactile. with the huge shroud i was born into. and am born again. into. of human flesh and love accompaniment.

it has been here around me all the time. it has been the mend, like grandma's high artistry, with HER mother, in stitching piece to piece, so many so likely brand new, in to square blocks of highly selected colors and textures, and then the square blocks to each other. the stitches themselves outdoing each other in color and pattern like footsteps. in that krazy kwilt, monolith of our family on my mother's side, that i have passed on to cousin Sharon's fine fingered keeping before i ever heard of diagnosis.

how do i contact all those people, crazy as they may be, crazy as i am?

how do i write my people as i emerge out of this two-year silence, chrysalis obelisk of my life into new life of moth that no one can recognize as the caterpillar they knew?

i send them this. humbly admitting. umbly offering. who i am.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Chain

from the patch of grass at Miller Park where i have done my age old regimen
of meditation, yogic stretch, and pushups. to supplicate-negotiate continuance from
and with Oh Wordless One and you. after treatment of our precious and dear western
medicine completely consumes one whole year of the few remaining in my life. with

this acorn, pin oak, in these confused northern climes along this
wild coast so far from there, fallen around my head and body. on 40# test
line replacing what i left behind on saint croix waiting for my next emergence. boring
with the tool i've made and used so long long ago there. from coathanger wire as

instructed by the young emissary of generations on an island, a seed.
i reenter the old life with whole & new point of vision. begin to string this
flash circle once more. rippling all gone before.

Friday, August 13, 2010

hello, marty, are you there?

i think it's time i showed i'm alive in here again.

i just had the time of my life, as momLola would say, at the Merkel cell carcinoma (MCC (my own initials, i remind you!)) gathering Tuesday nite at SCCA (Seattle Cancer Care Alliance) where the doctor I came here to see works as both a clinician and a researcher. i met in person 15 (well one is over 90 and didn't show but sent 3 daughters) other very human and very alive beings with past or present MCC diagnoses. we heard probly a couple hours' presentation rattling through a myriad of cutting edge developments in research and treatment and detection for MCC. well, if you know anything you know how i like physical presence. time of my life.

i also just applied for admission into a one-house intentional community 5 blocks from win's called Prag House. it looks like my chances are on the slim side as they're going chronologically (probly because we're all so good) and i'm the last of 5. they've filled one of the 2 rooms available and will let me know by 2 weeks from now or so. but just the exercise of interviewing, touring, and applying is a HUGE, to me, sign of life.

what was the other one? oh, i submitted 5 new pomes to a journal of poetry of place called Windfall out of Oregon, a regionalist (as in sexist, racist, ...) journal of the northwest. when i hear, i'll hear.

if you'd like the text of either of these above 2 applications, let me know and and e-mail address if i don't have one and i'll send em. one of thuh 5 pomes is there just a few entries below this one, in black, on an orange entry, as i recall.

have i even looked at my taxes? no. but all of this above is i believe—serious—preparation for that. (we each prepare our taxes in a different way, now.)

i didn't even say hi! hello dear fellow journeyer on this earth. be blessed. you are a blessing to me. maybe leave a comment. with love. marty

Sunday, July 11, 2010

hi. time to check in.

dear fellow beings still on earth.
i've a heap a mundane doings, endlessly catching up little by little with what i've put off for a year and a half, still with fatigue, so what i imagine doesn't quite get completed in the imagined time. currently i'm grounded on most everything until i BEGIN, yes begin, my taxes. oh my oh me. pray for me. i'm really fine. love. marty

Sunday, June 20, 2010

b-day boy

it's poppa's day an i say happy poppa's day to each a you an me too. yer all my dads an i'm yoursuns s'how i lookutit. hope you accepts.

i took a turn: i been depressed i see now in lookin back for about a week, n yesterday on muh way to thuh park t do exercises it popped, n i could see clearly: i ain't got no reason to feel bad. and every reason to feel good.

i been doin all these things i put off for the last year n a half, one of em bein joinin whole hog thuh Merkel cell person's Google group (anyone can read it, whiew. n doin all these things at once has been too much (and too late, and too early, and too too). so i've quited down a bit a gain.

thursday's muh b-day, n a year ago it wasn't clear i'd make this one. from here, it looks pretty sure—an if i don't, at least i'll go out smilin—i know that for a fact.

probly cause a my pop (¶2 above) (and cause a my poppa(s)) i done wrote a pome this mornin, so here:

.........................................................sleep with books..........................................................

i have a plastic water bottle, once a beverage container, close to a liter beside the mat on the floor where i sleep, among the few strewn clothes and pants pocket contents i may use when i'm sleeping, hanky, watch with broken band.

down the hall by the livingroom with win's full bed and around the corner into the diningroom and there at the kitchen atop the microwave i have my other institution glass mug with glass handle always filled to some level with water to drink. mine, so we don't have to wash so much dishes.

filtered water, both places.

all this is book lined of course. including the bath room across from mine—its door won't close because of the bookshelf, floor to ceiling. i've never understood why those books don't rot from shower steam.

going back to bed after my every third hour pee, i make the journey all the way through this sometimes narrow, and hooked, path through books to thuh mug for a drink of water because the image i have in my head of me drinking out of the mug instead is so irresistibly inviting this dusky-eyed Sunday morning.

then i've got to flip thuh lap's top to key this and while i'm here e-joe to tell him i've found win's Saint Sea.

........To you Win
........Happy Fathers Day
........(our dads there celebrating, looking, comfy next to each other)
........That I lived to this day.
Love to each of you.

Marty, here 6/20/10

Friday, June 11, 2010

continued upbeat

hoi, dear being beings.

i had a wonder full visit with my brother tom and our family recluse-cottage, the roundhouse in the indiana dunes (and multitudinous other cousins!). and with my cousins in central illinois. visiting where i had stayed before and after surgery, and where i'd anticipated doing radiation but changed then to seattle, ... visiting my dear room and town and bicycle and cousin caregivers, from this vantage point of after it all, ... visiting how dearly i took care of my self, when my drainage tube was still stickin outa me, ... was full of very dear sweet emotion for me. seeing my brother is so rare and precious. yes that's him on the lefts. now you see how i got this way!

i'm back in seattle for a couple months now and perparing to do my taxes. then look for a home. researchin intentional communities ( for a start).

feelin good. and connected. to you. thank you. marty

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

the hard truth, perspective, statistics

my over seeing it all oncol- ogist, who is very familiar with what i got/ had, MCC, said yesterday to me that there is a 50% chance that it will come back. if it does so, there is very little that can be done, beyond ameliorative/ palliative & staving it off a nother month or two = i'm likely a dead duck within a year or so or less. this (or worse) has been my reality for a year and a quarter. 50 is a number, and not at all exact, the doctor admitted it might be less. when august 26, 2011 shows up, according to the previous doctor (they are in synch), the number will change to 10 or less. so by my figuring each month it goes down 2 or 3 for a while. i say all this to put thuh disclaimer on what i said there below last week. so all of us (my self first, of course) keep things in perspective.

i continue to bare my now characteristic optimism and high spirit, entirely on the strength of the only medicine i believe in completely—love of dear friends and family.

i am starting to do things that i longed to do but somehow couldn't get to when i was in the throes of it. win and i went to a 1-day cancer retreat at Harmony Hill (.com) monday, staying both the nite before and after; we remain deeply affected in way good way. i am putting in place a counselor for at least every other week for 3 months or so, just for maintenance and in case i reely need them. i plan to soon join the on-line MCC chat group at last (marty being the e-mail junky he is, this is dangerous, and i have held off). i plan to look at long last into promising use of certain (non halucinatory, sorry) mushrooms for immune support against MCC. (these last 2 items i have been aware of for a long time via and my above mentioned doctor).

i am also going to Jacksonville IL & the Indiana Dunes for a 10-day trip to retrace some steps and reconnect with blood (and retrieve all my papers to do my taxes again late).

what is even more, i am daring to go to my thrice-ex friend Joe Blondo's book opening tonite
a book i've just read and do truly admire (after being struck speechless upon reading the first draft nine years ago) my review will say something like "it also is a marvelous view of Seattle—from the perspective of what i might call the upperclass of the underclass." see how far i am daring to wander?! i truly believe all this is healing. as long as i use my good judgment and don't get any too scathed.

love and gratitude to YOU (can you hear it in my voice?) marty

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

received a good bill of health

seattle. win went with me. just received a good bill of health from my radiation oncologist Dr. Upendra Parvathaneni. there's my picture yesterday, would you give this man a good bill of health? oh well. i don't honestly feel today all that healthy and strong as my vital signs seem to indicate. but i spect i will after i get some (more) sleep. the CT today of my head and neck look good and healthy, no sign of cancer growin anywhere. but he wants me to come back in 3 months as a matter of course. so on and on it goes. but he says after August 26, 2011, (2 years from surgery) if i've still no sign of cancer, i'm 90% sure cancer free. so there's a ceremony date. mark that in yer calendar. you'll have to find me wherever i am and come and participate with your most ceremonious self. thank you for your ceremony to here my dear beloved. marty

Thursday, April 29, 2010

one last breath on saint croix then back to seattle

dearly beloved fellow inhabitants.
mark again reminds me i need to update my blog. ah me. i am really feeling positive recuperation has occurred. am still fatigued. but i do do amazing stuff. last monday i went on this 7 and a half hour hike with Veronica. tomorrow we go again with Rudy joining us. that i can do this is ver good sign folks. here are two pictures off google earth of where we were (one is zoomed & contained in the other, you see). maybe i should say more about this later--Oh! I mentioned it below! Read that. this is ver deep sacred visitation to me on sooo many levels. whiew. all love. (a week from today at this time (seattle time) i'm in seattle. check-up may 11.) marty
p.s. make me write my essay titled "air". ask me for it, then i'll halve to write it! more love. marty

Saturday, April 3, 2010

stable spirit and health

my dear fellow beings on earth,

i am continuing to feel stable in spirit and health for the first time in over a year. this feels good. still half-a-day of energy each day, but i'm getting used to it and treasure what i get.

my beeg project mentioned in my last update was a hike to Maroon Ridge in an area i had vigil/quested 40 days and 40 nites in the early 90's and on one wandering came upon terracing in a steep hidden area with rocks way too beeg for me to consider trying to lift. it is conceivable that this was the doings of a maroon (escaped slave) community, so i wanted to pass this on to people from here to whom this may be sacred. roger and i found some clearly human made rock ridges perpendicular to the flow of the gut (dry creek bed). i don't think it is exactly what i saw before, but it is in the neighborhood, and what i have seen so far may be a tip of an ice berg, who knows. i'm going back this month with two beings of saint croix ancestry who are friends of me and of nature and who i admire and dearly enjoy being with. atop are two pictures from this journey.

then two pictures mark took of me in my den in the bush where i sleep and wake up and do my morning meditation/exercise/stretch sessions as well as read and write some. the view i would really like you to see is the one you get when sitting on the mat. out into trees and sky and across at other hills, all very lush and dear nature. bird songs abounding. i have stayed and will stay at a nother location some of my time here, but the vast vast majority of my time has been staying at Mark's, with this den in the bush for getting away.

yesterday morning i wrote the following notes as i prepared to make this update: extreme peace ... when I meditate down there there is no clarity to the meditation. Because when I am down there it is a meditation the whole time. It is hard to see-feel going in when yer already in. And it is so ancient for me: it is so like where I lived for 8 years beside my 8X8X8' shanti, just downstream a ways (vertical as well as horizontal) and on the other side of the same ole beautiful gut.

and this: there are 2 kinds of exhaustion: exhaustion from the physical trauma of surgery (Aug. 26) and radiation (all of Nov. to Dec. 4); and spiritual, emotional, and mental exhaustion from navigating western medical testings & treatment on a ragged path through five states that looks like that of someone running from the law.

there's a nother thing i must put down here for the record: i have just completed my second annual March away from the West Coast of USica. after 2 Marches in a row sicker than i'd been in a long time (before cancer diagnosis) in San Francisco, i swore i'd never spend a nother March on the West Coast. my post-radiation check-up was supposed to be squack in March 2010 (in Seattle)! i asked for an extention to May (11) so i could be sure not to be there anywhere near March, and i got it. so far so good.

well i'm trying t learn how t stop runnin n to accept this retarded state of being as life for now. whiew, once in a while i find myself breathin real deep. and time to time i get a glimmering memory why.

i continue to have an upbeat spirit. and i continue to reconcile with slowed down motion.

i'm tryin t memorize a pome i've wanted to recite to all of saint croix, and finally two (very brief) reading opportunities are opening up in April.

sennin you my love. marty

Sunday, March 21, 2010

hey i'm fine, sorry

dear beings sharing this earth and plane,
mark just reminded me i haven't made an entry since january. he has a way of putting pressure in his tone of voice. so here is a promisory note to make a real post very very soon.
the main hitch i can identify is i have a half a day of energy each day, but i have the same wonderful visionary full day of mischief in my heart and mind. so fitting it all in is a real impossible task. but it is the same blessing as a kid in a candy store, i am trying and succeeding in knowing that at least ever once in a while in a check-in (within, Senya style). posting here has been my intention daily for months. it's just gotten the slide from myriad other intentions, many of which i will not get to this time on saint croix. but one i am heading for right now. i'll tell ya about it soon.
love and blessings and gratitude to you for so sharing this journey. marty

Sunday, January 24, 2010

marty's gone bush

it's time i said i'm here. it's been a bit just settling in and regaining energy. still in thuh process. 4hrs jet lag, vegan diets, heat again after so so many years, friends who hain't seen me for ten, things like that—it all mounts up, i'm overwhelmed. just takin it bit by bit, to see where my energy flows.
i've been here 4 days.
i realized right away that all i wanted to do most was to go hiking in the hills and bush. truly. to visit trees i know. what i came to realize yesterday is that i really would just like to live in the bush, and the only obvious place i can do that is on the 4 acres of the friend i'm initially staying with, Mark. so, even after visiting two civilized places in very nice locations that i could rent for very little, i've decide to try the ole tarp among trees over a piece of flat ground method, of Senya's and of mine from time to time. and i'm very close to my ole neighborhood of my happy time of about 12 years. [that's thuh short version, if you want yesterday's 4-page essay version, fire me an e-.]
here's a snail address: c/o Mark Graffis, 214 Little Lagrange, Frederiksted USVI 00840. and my phones and e-mail work fine. and/or make a comment here. there's josé on Skype. gotta go. love and gratitude to ever body! marty