Wednesday, May 19, 2010
the hard truth, perspective, statistics
my over seeing it all oncol- ogist, who is very familiar with what i got/ had, MCC, said yesterday to me that there is a 50% chance that it will come back. if it does so, there is very little that can be done, beyond ameliorative/ palliative & staving it off a nother month or two = i'm likely a dead duck within a year or so or less. this (or worse) has been my reality for a year and a quarter. 50 is a number, and not at all exact, the doctor admitted it might be less. when august 26, 2011 shows up, according to the previous doctor (they are in synch), the number will change to 10 or less. so by my figuring each month it goes down 2 or 3 for a while. i say all this to put thuh disclaimer on what i said there below last week. so all of us (my self first, of course) keep things in perspective.
i continue to bare my now characteristic optimism and high spirit, entirely on the strength of the only medicine i believe in completely—love of dear friends and family.
i am starting to do things that i longed to do but somehow couldn't get to when i was in the throes of it. win and i went to a 1-day cancer retreat at Harmony Hill (.com) monday, staying both the nite before and after; we remain deeply affected in way good way. i am putting in place a counselor for at least every other week for 3 months or so, just for maintenance and in case i reely need them. i plan to soon join the on-line MCC chat group at last (marty being the e-mail junky he is, this is dangerous, and i have held off). i plan to look at long last into promising use of certain (non halucinatory, sorry) mushrooms for immune support against MCC. (these last 2 items i have been aware of for a long time via http://www.merkelcell.org/ and my above mentioned doctor).
i am also going to Jacksonville IL & the Indiana Dunes for a 10-day trip to retrace some steps and reconnect with blood (and retrieve all my papers to do my taxes again late).
what is even more, i am daring to go to my thrice-ex friend Joe Blondo's book opening tonite http://sites.google.com/site/joeblondoswriting/news/taitungbooklaunchmay19th2010500pm
a book i've just read and do truly admire (after being struck speechless upon reading the first draft nine years ago) my review will say something like "it also is a marvelous view of Seattle—from the perspective of what i might call the upperclass of the underclass." see how far i am daring to wander?! i truly believe all this is healing. as long as i use my good judgment and don't get any too scathed.
love and gratitude to YOU (can you hear it in my voice?) marty